A Tarantula Crawled Up My Anus...

"Oh my god, I just ate an entire bag of chips and a tarantula crawled up my anus and I have splinters in my clitoris and, ah, yum, mmmm, um one time I was walking to school and I saw a little school of fish and I thought this was funny because I was coming to school and they are eternally in it and I thought this was awesome, and you know what? speaking of oceans what do they call 20,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? a good fucking start mate, a good fucking start!"

left by a girl on 6/20/2007 at 11:27 pm, 641 area code

Good Life

"HALLOOOOO! It is ME, I'm drunk! I'm calling this numbah! and my friend is not drunk and drunk dialing and naked and talking to our friend, and I am very soon going to be not talking to you anymore! YES, it is TRUE! I am done talking into your phone. good bye. good night. good life."

left by a girl (in a brittish accent) on 6/20/2007 at 11:11 pm, 207 area code

Fat Girl In A Tight Dress

girl- "What's up bitches? oh my god!!! I just met Seth Green and it was the best thing in my life!! we went to the robot chicken star wars party thing and seth green was there, and there were all these really cool animators, man they were the RADDEST animators! But nobody cares about the animators! We only care about Seth Green!!! And he's so cute, and so tiny, I can see into his eyes he's so little! and he gave me a hug and he remembered my name! HEY! Here's *****!!"

boy- "heeeeeeey, what's going on? yeah we just hooked up at a party just chillin out playin some pool and seth green pulled ****s dress back up cause it was falling off her chest, he was noticing her large D cup breasts and uh yeah, and we miss ****, we miss her, we want her to come out to hollywood and celebrate cause we're on hollywood boulevard and stuck in traffic-"

girl- "FAT GIRL IN A TIGHT DRESS! we just saw a fat girl in a tight dress. we're stuck on hollywood boulevard, oh and the guy from the best week ever was there, the one who used to be real fat but lost a lot of weight? and the dude, I called him asain, but he's really phillipino and ***** says he a pacific islander but I think he made it up. OH, and I got real dark, on the beach, I think maybe as dark as my dad, oh and ***** beat me so I'm covered in bruises. ok, bye que pasa!!!"

left by two individuals on 6/18/2007 at 12:37 am, 215 area code

Boyfriend?

girl 1- "hi. this is um, funny, because, I'm calling, because I'm at a party, we're about to play beer bong"

girl 2- "HEEEEEYYYYY, RAAAAAHHHHHH!"

girl 1- "I don't know what to say, haha, but I can explain to you, that I um.... I've lost my child...
hu huh, haha, I lost my child, **** wants to make out with both my boyfriend- my boyfriend?"

girl 2- "**** has a boyfriend!! **** has a boyfriend!!!"

girl 1- "my ex-boyfriend? my husband! my husband and my brother. she wants to make out with my brother, and she's the kind of girl, she likes to rob the cradle a little bit, she into little boys, it's creepy, if you know what I mean."

girl 2- "HEY!!!! I hate you I don't know what to say.... vagina. I'm going to kidnap ****s son
in the middle of the night and take him home to my apartment. Or watch her where she sleeps or I might just come over to her house and bang on her door during the day..."

left by two girls on 6/9/2007 at 6:09 pm, 814 area code